


but you don't look ashamed and baby i'm not scared

by notthebigspoon



Series: good at startin' fires [1]
Category: Baseball RPF
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-09-07
Updated: 2012-09-07
Packaged: 2017-11-13 18:44:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,406
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/506542
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/notthebigspoon/pseuds/notthebigspoon
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Nicole leaves Ryan, he tries to close himself off but the bullpen ain't having it. He pays that forward to Bum and ends up with more than he bargained for.</p><p>Title taken from Follow Me by Uncle Kracker.</p>
            </blockquote>





	but you don't look ashamed and baby i'm not scared

Nicole throws in the towel six months after Ryan is called up to the Giants. She swears that it's her and not him, that she just isn't happy anymore and she thinks that she needs to try being her own person, to go find herself. Ryan is numb, can't get angry the way she half jokingly says she wishes that he would. He doesn't manage to cry until after the final meeting with the mediator. They settle on her getting the house in Pennsylvania, the car and a decent share of the bank account. They share joint custody of Ryder and initially, Ryan has primary physical custody. He gave up a lot of things, giving her her so called freedom, but he's not surrendering his boy without a fight.

He's not sure if it was guilt that made Nicole give in or not. He doesn't even care. All that matters is that he has his boy and he has baseball. He doesn't need anything else. He spends the off season in San Francisco. He doesn't want to be home with family and friends and sidelong glances.

He tells himself for a long time that that other people, anyone who isn't Ryder, just don't matter. The bullpen see things differently. He's one of them and he gets everything he needs and even things he didn't know he needed at all, all without ever saying a word. He says thank you all the time but it feels so inadequate. He doesn't really know how to express how much it means to him.

He tries. After Nicole flies out to pick Ryder up for a visit, he sends word around that there's a party at his place that night. There's a liquor store run and he pit stops at a grocery store for chips, pretzels, dip, though he doesn’t know why he bothers with that. He knows that as soon as they all turn up, they're going to hit the booze and then the shit will hit the fan.

Come midnight, that's exactly what's happening. He's more than a little buzzed and he knows that others are completely shitfaced. Timmy is the worst off of all of them. He's only half conscious, sprawled over Javi with one hand fisted into his husband's shirt. It's kind of sweet. They're so in love that sometimes, there's no one in the world but the two of them. Judging by the way Javi is smiling and stroking Tim's hair, now is one of those times. Ryan wishes he still had something like that.

But the past is the past and slight personal jealousy or not, Ryan's feeling pretty good tonight. Everyone is enjoying themselves and while it's nothing compared to what they've done for him, it feels nice being able to do something for them in return.

He pours what he decides will be his last whiskey of the night and wanders through the house and out the back door. It's quieter but still plenty crowded. He moves off into the yard. Bum is sitting under the willow with a red cup. When Ryan drops onto the grass next to him, he raises his cup and nods before taking a drink.

“Nice shindig Vogey.”

“If you booze it, they will come.”

Bum's laugh has no real humor to it. Ryan glances over. It's hard to tell in the dark but he's betting that cup has quite a bit in it and it's probably not beer. He sighs and leans into him, bumping their shoulders together.

“You holding up alright?”

“Fine. Never been better.” Bum mutters, shaking his head. “Could be worse. Least me and Ali didn't have a kid to fight over.”

“What happened?” Ryan asks, curious. Bum has been unwilling to talk about the divorce and they've kept a careful distance. Nobody wants to push too far but Bum can't avoid the subject forever. He must be ready, though, because he puts up no fight whatsoever.

“She caught me cheating.”

“Wow. Did you try to work it out?”

“She caught me cheating with a guy. She doesn't want anything to do with me anymore.”

Ryan isn't quite sure what to do with that information. Up until thirty seconds ago, he would have placed Bum into the 'painfully straight' category and on his mental list of guys that probably had never even heard of Kinsey. He wonders who Bum got caught with, if it was somebody on the team. It's probably none of Ryan's business, _is_ none of Ryan's business.

“I'd wondered since middle school, y'know? About guys.” Bum says slowly, gulping down another mouthful of booze and staring at his feet. “But I never did anything about it because.. fuck, you know where I'm from. That sort of thing just ain't allowed, ain't supposed to happen.”

“What made you change your mind?”

“Cain.” Bum answers immediately, looking a little embarrassed. “I uh... well, when I heard Lincecum and Lopez were getting hitched, I might have said some pretty stupid stuff that I don't want to ever say again. Cain shut me down, then he sat me down and asked what the hell was wrong with me. It kind of got out of hand.”

“How many times?”

“Two. The second time was when Ali caught us.”

That certainly explains why Cain's made everyone mind their own business as best he could. He probably would have done that anyway but he had an extra incentive, not that he ever would have hung Bum out to dry if the worst had happened. Ryan sighs and pulls Bum into a one armed hug, ruffling his hair. “Really sorry, Bum. I know how you feel. Being left...”

“It sucks.” Bum shrugs. “But I'm not the first guy ever to figure out he's gay and have his wife leave him. I know she deserved a husband that wasn't a closet case, I just wish it hadn't happened the way it did.”

“Sounds like you're handling the change pretty well.”

“Liking dick doesn't scare me. Being alone does though. Cain and Chelsea have been great... Chelsea knew about it. She doesn't mind if Cain sleeps with guys as long as he comes home. Lucky him.”

“Some guys get lucky like that.” Ryan shrugs. “Nik knew I was bi but she'd never have shared. Not that that mattered in the end.”

“You're bi? Since when?”

Ryan smiles. “Since as long as I can remember. I always liked both, I just happened to end up marrying a woman. Could have just as easily been a guy. There was this one, Miguel.... I called him Mig. He was almost the one.”

“What happened?”

“He hated baseball.”

This time Bum's laugh sounds more genuine, although his speech is growing a little slurred so his cheerfulness might be directly proportionate to his booze consumption. He stares at Ryan, and there's a warmth in his eyes that is hard to see. Before Ryan can say anything, try to get some distance between them, he sways before surging in and kissing Ryan, hard and deep. Ryan shouldn't go along with it, should pull away and tell Bum that this isn't okay.

He can't though, just like he can't stop himself from touching Bum's cheek and sliding a hand into his hair. When he finally gets himself in check long enough to stop, to tell Bum that this isn't a good idea, Bum completely ignores him. He kisses Ryan again, sliding a hand under Ryan's shirt and up his chest, smoothing over his skin. His voice is rough when he whispers, “Don't care. We should go to bed.”

Ryan doesn't even think about saying no. He climbs to his feet and heads into the house, winding through the people and climbing the stairs with Bum on his heels. He shuts his bedroom door behind them, locks it just in case. When he turns around, Bum is already sprawled out across the bed. His shirt is gone, his face is flushed and Ryan can see the line of his cock straining against his jeans. Ryan groans low in his throat, climbs onto the bed and straddles Bum's lap, kissing him hard.

Ryan has no business doing this. Bumgarner is so much younger than he is and he's definitely still on the rebound. They could both end up very badly hurt by this. But then Bum is kissing him, touching him, whispering his name and Ryan doesn't care anymore.


End file.
